When I heard about the opportunity I felt like trying to apply, so I applied for it while thinking it was impossible for me to be chosen anyway. I was not that interested to the program, but I was just curious whether I'm qualified. So there I was starting to filling the forms without any expectation of being accepted in mind. 

Then, last week during my exam period I was too busy to check out my inbox. Until yesterday when I checked it I was shocked to find out that I was accepted to the double degree program. My head spun and suddenly I felt like being in a crossroad. I already made a plan for the rest of this year, finishing my dissertation, visiting my brother who will start his master in Edinburgh this September, going home to Indonesia, looking for a job, going back to the UK with my mom for graduation and visiting my brother in December and start working next year. 

However, the winter semester in Germany will start on October 20th (which mother nature accidentally chose as my birthday as well), but they require us to be there in September for orientation month. My initial plan would definitely screwed up if I took the program. I was so confused so the indecisive part of me decided to call my parents via Skype earlier today. Basically, they were so supportive, my dad told me that chances does not come twice in life, if it was him he would love to take it. But again he said the decision was in my hand. My mom was seen a bit sad that I might not go home this year as it was planned, but she also encouraged me to make my own decision. 

A friend of mine here told me a quote: "One day we will regret, not because the things we do, but because the things we don't do."

I know today at this age I should make my own decisions and take full responsibility for them. I was praying and hoping God will speak to me directly which way I should take. Then a simple thought crossed my mind: "Do I really want this?" and the answer is sharply "No." I did not apply because I want it in the first place. Finally, I decided to give up this chance. I still have time until June 15th to think about this opportunity. But right now I am quite sure I don't want to spend another one year in Germany for another master degree. 

I will email the university tomorrow and I hope they will pass this opportunity to someone who really want and deserve it. I realize that I am not an opportunist. Some people think that I am not ambitious enough and I don't make the most of each chance I get in life. But the thing is, I just feel not every opportunity seems right for me. Since a master degree is supposed to be a preparation towards a PhD program, I decided that if I have to pursue another academic degree in the future, it has to be a PhD. 

I feel God let me face so many choices this year so that I can be a mature and decisive person. Living alone without my parents to guide me 24/7 truly teaches me a lot about life.

night-night!